Yes Pain, No Gain

Yes Pain, No Gain

I’m finishing a three week diet that after I started I learned is quite popular up North now and that wasn’t all I learned.

The whole gist to the diet is you live on less than 500 calories a day for 21 days.  Specifically you can enjoy three quarters of hamburger and chicken burger daily along with an apple and an orange.  That’s it.  No condiments, cheese, bread etc.  Nothing to drink but water.  I lie.  You can have all the coffee and tea you like but since I despise both that did nothing for me.

The doctor said “January is the perfect time for this diet as you’ll hibernate like a bear and wake up thinner.”  I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be witty or just speaking metaphorically.  It was neither.  I quickly learned if that is all you eat in the day going to visit an adjoining bathroom will leave you winded.

The diet has gained sudden popularity because you lose weight with, wait for it, no exercise!  Well, this does nothing for me as I actually enjoy exercise by walking around town, dancing, doing yoga, weights, etc.  Laying in bed all day from exhaustion is as fun as a root canal.

Plus, of course, you’ll lose weight if you stop eating even while laying still.  Even I, that went to Catholic school so I know nothing about science, knows that much.  I can’t tell you what units of measurement like calorie, liter or speed of light mean but I get the notion that when you stop eating that’s what makes corpses into Catrinas.

Honestly, I cheated when I found myself giving tours.  I simply could not walk down the street without eating something more.  Granted I didn’t make pasta alfredo and lunge into a pizza, but I wanted to.  Instead I ate the forbidden veggies like broccoli that could keep me walking and talking.

Since I’m not a foodie what really got to me instead is that you can’t apply moisturizer, body lotion of sunscreen as your body may get confused and suck the fat out of them instead of you.  The first company I started was a skin care line based on North Carolina botanicals.  It was not a success but what was successful is I haven’t stepped outside without applying sun block since.

DNA tests proved my female ancestors never ventured outside their Irish village for romance so I’m cursed with a skin tone vampires envy.  I detested not using sunblock feeling my skin instantly achieved the suppleness of one of the Guanajuato mummies.  I found myself looking more forward to applying moisturizer than I was to French Fries.

A secret to this diet is tell no one and never leave the house since most every social situation involves food.  That, and everyone will think you’ve lost your mind.  Those that really love you will ambush you.

One day I came home after a full day touring and found my table covered in chocolate covered cookies and hot chocolate provided by two gal pals.  I was famished and did more damage in minutes than Cookie Monster has in a lifetime.  In addition to the post-gorging guilt I had a sugar high that lasted until the wee hours of the morning since my body was flying high on all that sugar.

Overall, the diet works.  Even with my slip ups my clothes fit much better after three weeks which I am grateful for.  Plus it did make me realize growing up under the food pyramid I firmly believed carbos are the basis of any meal.  It reminded me of my vegetarian years when I was built like a whippet and raised my kids vegetarian.  I firmly believed by the time they were teens they would be enjoying a wide variety of vegetables.  Instead they existed on pasta and I had simply raised carbovores.

The huge downside of the diet is having no energy and being rather grumpy and sleepy.  Honestly, I suggest simply casting yourself off in a lifeboat for three weeks afloat on the Presa as no one will want to be around you anyway.  Unfortunately you’ll probably die at sea from skin cancer as they’ll be no sunblock in your provisions!