The Joys of Being King

The Joys of Being King

On the eve of Three Kings’ Day I got asked to be a king that evening.  I’d love to lie to say the opportunity was based on my inherent charisma and sparkling charm, but the organizers simply needed a white guy.  Later, while waiting to enter the church, the two Mexican kings were comparing skin tones to see who was lighter skinned since the kings represent three races.

Step aside amateurs, I intoned holding up my hand.  I come from a long line of intermarrying Gaelic vampires that never left the village looking for love.  Honestly, if it weren’t for body hair I’d be translucent.

Being a king on the eve of Three Kings’ Day is very cool.  On par with when I traveled around the country as a danzon dancer performing at various events.  Often the bus would arrive at some remote village to a throng of hundreds of clapping fans as we disembarked feeling as cool as a member of Fleetwood Mac on their way to the stage.

First off, in my kingdom, there is team of four to five women dressing you in a fabulous gown and doing your hair.  I felt like Dolly Parton about to perform on a Jesus-hosted talk show!  Meanwhile the production assistants tell you how and where to walk, kneel and sit.

Much to my chagrin I came down the aisle first.  I enjoy being first in revue shows to get my storytelling bit over with and enjoy the show’s other performers.  In church, being first isn’t near as much fun though the music was snappy and a church full of excited children has an energy uniquely its own.

Once situated on my throne one of my team constantly arranged my headdress and trailing cape around my feet.  Given the headdress blocked some 70% of my eye line vision I still knew I was looking royally spiffy.

Each king, as staged managed, presented our gift to Jesus.  Mine was gold which, really, is the only worthwhile gift from the three kings.  I annually display an Amish nativity from my hometown of Hershey if only because the kings bring blankets, pies and corn bread which are way more helpful to new parents than myrrh.

Then each child came up with their letter to the kings and received, in exchange, a bag of treats and small toys.  Some children were visibly terrified of the big white dude while others were equally fascinated and flocked to me like moth to a flame.

One girl talked my ear off for about three minutes on why she forgot her letter to the kings.  She was so earnest it took all my self-control to not simply tell her “You’re all good, this king doesn’t give two cents about your letter writing skills.”

Then the service ended which was child-focused about the kings honoring Jesus before dropping off toys at their house.  We kings then posed with kids of all ages (including really advanced ages).  Nothing beats having babies, toddlers and their single aunts being as excited to sit on your lap as they would be with Mickey Mouse at Disney.

So, on the eve of Three Kings’ Day, after you placed your shoe out for the kings to fill with treats stop by church to enjoy the music and children having a moment in the sun before opening their gifts for the kings.  Plus pray your king gifts don’t include frankincense as it smells disgusting which is something you learn having your throne next to Gaspar’s!